


The War Within

by Nununununu



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Difficult Decisions, Growing Up Together, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:08:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23007658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nununununu/pseuds/Nununununu
Summary: Ben’s safe as Kylo-but-not, stalking the corridors of the Finalizer, taking down anyone who gets too close to striking with too much success against the Resistance, enjoying the temptation that is winding up Hux. The other man self-sabotages wonderfully in his vengeful desire to get back at Kylo. Ben’s been playing the Knights of Ren off each other for a long time; he’s getting closer to discovering a means of taking down Snoke.But then there is Poe.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12
Collections: The Kylo|Ben x Poe Fanworks Exchange 2020





	The War Within

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oldestcharm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldestcharm/gifts).



> One line quoted from 'The Force Awakens'. Canon divergent from early on in the film; mentions background character death and canon violence.
> 
> For oldestcharm, whose prompt was for _'Ben Solo working for the Resistance undercover, undermining the First Order from the inside. Whether anyone knows about it is up for debate.'_

Growing up, there are more and more parts inside Ben Solo that are Kylo Ren, until it becomes necessary to become Kylo Ren completely.

Or so it seems. Because deep down, it seems there are tiny parts hidden away very carefully inside Kylo Ren that are still Ben Solo. He might fight this at first, but then he sees the ghost of his Grandfather. Not Vader, not him. Kylo internally snarls something like _who is this old man_ and _how can I kill him,_ but Ben recognises Anakin.

The sorrow on Anakin’s face strikes hard into the shell that is Kylo Ren, pierces through all the layers of smoke and desperation the young Ben had to build up to keep Snoke at bay until they overwhelmed him, and wakens those hidden parts of Ben up, sending them shivering back to life.

It hurts. Knowing what he’s done under the guide of the personality he was forced to use to shield himself from Snoke hurts.

And the single headshake Anakin gives him before disappearing cripples Kylo, who finally recognises the owner of his Grandfather’s helmet.

With that, Ben’s out. With each passing day he gains more and more control to start undermining everything the First Order stands for. More and more control to start undermining Snoke and the dark presence he senses pulling his ‘Master’s’ strings.

More and more control to start undermining himself.

No one in the Resistance realises, Ben is sure from the brief brushes of contact he has through the Force with his mother, so soft and glancing she barely does more than begin to think of him before he pulls back.

A part of him leftover from childhood longs desperately to linger, but it’s too dangerous.

No one from the First Order realises either. Ben’s safe as Kylo-but-not, stalking the corridors of the Finalizer, taking down anyone who gets too close to striking with too much success against the Resistance, enjoying the temptation that is winding up Hux. The other man self-sabotages wonderfully in his vengeful desire to get back at Kylo. Ben’s been playing the Knights of Ren off each other for a long time; he’s getting closer to discovering a means of taking down Snoke.

But then there is Poe.

\--

Ben remembers Poe.

Ben remembers Poe vividly. Remembers being a kid trailing after his mother, darting wide eyed glances at the older boy. Remembers a number of years later, Poe accompanying Leia on a visit to the temple, Ben hanging back while his fellow acolytes surround the teen.

He never could say at the time whether Poe noticed; whether Poe looked back at him.

Kylo Ren kills the old man on the desert planet – Ben hates it, hates doing it, but it’s necessary and Lor San Tekka seems to know it. He freezes the blaster bolt and does nothing to stop the troopers from capturing Poe, but –

But when he crouches in front of the kneeling man, he is Ben.

Poe is older of course, sweat and sand streaked, furious and battling to hide grief. He looks at Ben but doesn’t see him – he looks at _Kylo_ , scanning the mask like it’s concealing something and it is, it _is_ –

_“So who talks first?”_ Poe asks.

It’s been since Ben last saw him that he was last lost for words.

He can’t afford to fumble. Can’t afford to falter. It’s almost a relief when Poe breaks the silence; it helps Ben take a step back mentally, to once again pretend to be nothing more than Kylo Ren.

The only way he can prevent Poe dying here with the old man and the rest of the villagers – for Kylo, _Ben_ , to not have to kill Poe himself – is to order him taken onto the ship.

There is only so much Ben can do to work against the First Order overtly, especially under Phasma’s watchful gaze. He reaches out to the Force to ensure the villagers feel nothing as they fall, however they might cry out.

That much he can do.

The guilt still eats at him however he knows all too well not to give any sign of it – he hates Snoke; he hates Kylo; he hates _himself_ ; he hates having to continue to play this part, however he can’t see a way out without forfeiting the advantages he currently has. The surge Ben feels in the Force from the Stormtrooper standing there shocked is enough it stops him in his tracks.

That one will help to destroy the First Order, Ben is sure of it. The best way he can enable FN-2187 when it comes to this is by ignoring him, at least for now. He carries on.

\--

The sense of Poe upon the Finalizer is difficult to ignore.

“ _Silence, imbeciles!_ ”

It’s a pleasure for Ben to stomp and rage and destroy, to give an outlet to his fury and despair. With a stamp of boots and a spit and crackle of his lightsaber, Ben strikes out, carving a jagged gash straight through the wall and several monitors, seething with ire as those around him cower.

He also incidentally completely destroys an underling’s alarmingly inspired work on cracking the Resistance’s latest code. The woman has enough sense not to make any fuss out loud, although Ren is well aware of her internal cry of dismay.

Before Jakku, he’d already engineered a bug within the Star Destroyer’s internal servers aimed at destroying any copies she’d backed up.

The thought of the punishment the First Order is meting out on Poe even now in the attempt to gain the map causes Ben to roar louder, to slash and stab and scare his so-called allies, those fools loyal to the system responsible for torturing –

Torturing –

_Poe_. Ben stalks into the interrogation room as if he is purely there to dole out further pain. To inflict hurt upon hurt in the effort to find the route to wherever Skywalker is hiding.

Skywalker is a coward. Ben has known that since he awoke in his youth to his uncle standing over him.

Poe is no coward.

“You came,” Poe is slumped, only the bonds keeping him up in the chair as the door hisses open. He says it not as a prisoner says to his captor, but almost neutrally, almost like he is striving to see through all of Kylo’s armour to where Ben hides within once again.

A cool sensation like the touch of a hand grazes the back of Ben’s neck under his clothing and he thinks of his Grandfather, although it feels undeniably more like his mother.

“I came,” Ben agrees, instead of everything else he had planned, instead of tearing the knowledge from the man’s mind, instead of taunting and teasing him, instead of telling him all the things Ben has wanted to since he was a child, a teen, a man.

The connection he has always felt between himself and the pilot rings out strong and certain between them as ever, even if only he can sense it.

“Going to talk me to death?” Poe quips when Ben fails to say anything further. 

“To death?” Ben echoes with the slow tip of his head he knows others find unnerving, and yet Poe continues to look back at him with an expression of exhaustion and defiance that’s also clearly searching and doesn’t change. Ben can at least confirm this much, “I think not.”

It’s a hint, although he doesn’t expect Poe to take it. Whether even Leia guesses Ben’s quest to undermine the First Order isn’t something he can risk establishing.

“You’re going to stare at me until I give up the information you want then, aren't you,” Poe seems to find the silence the most difficult to cope with, if anything. This matches what Ben remembers of him – the teenage Poe and the child Poe always talking, if never to him.

For everything that stands between them, the fact they are talking now is oddly freeing.

“No,” Ben can tell him this much, similarly.

“Then –” Poe wets his lips and even worn and bruised and aching as he is, this simple action is still somehow diverting, somehow devastating on him.

Ben wishes he could show Poe his face. Wishes he knew whether Poe would recognise him and what he would do then.

He could find out.

He could reach up quite easily and show Poe the truth of who he is dealing with. Conversely Ben could rip his way into Poe’s mind and extract the whereabouts of the map.

Only one of these ways involves him keeping up his cover. The other of these ways might ruin everything completely. It is not the right time for Ben to leave his position within the First Order; there is so much for him yet to do towards taking them down. There are no guarantees the Resistance will accept him; that his mother will accept him –

That _Poe_ will accept him.

And yet –

And yet.

“I know you,” Poe states suddenly, apropos of nothing, and tips his head forwards as if trying even harder to see under the mask. He makes it a question next, “Don’t I know you?”

He's thinking –

He's thinking of Ben. Hoping but trying not to; wondering what happened to Ben to make him Kylo – how things went so very wrong.

And Ben is abruptly certain that all those times back when they were younger, Poe _did_ look back at him. That despite the space between them, he noticed Ben in return every time.

_I_ want _you to know me,_ Ben thinks very distinctly, _I have always wanted you to know me._

He raises a hand to remove his mask.


End file.
